he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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