My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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