it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
