I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
