Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
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