Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
