i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
