Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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