he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
