I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
