I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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