The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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