there was a trapeze. enough said
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
