chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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