Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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