watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
