I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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