Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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