Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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