She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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