6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
