two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
