guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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