I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
