it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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