Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
