She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I want a musical about memes.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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