Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
