enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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