I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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