I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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