the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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