Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
