Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
