I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
