P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
