Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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