Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
