im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
