I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
