I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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