I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need help removing her.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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