I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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