if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
