In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
