she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
