Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
