quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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