i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
