He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
