Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
