i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
