Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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