Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
