Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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