They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
