She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
