and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
