hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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