he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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